God's Heavenly Eros.

It pleased our Lord that I would sometimes see this vision: very close to me, on my left, an angel appeared in human form... In his hands I saw a golden spear and at the end of the iron tip I seemed to see a point of fire. With this he seemed to pierce my heart several times so that it penetrated to my entrails. When he drew it out, I thought he was drawing them out with it, and he left me utterly consumed by the great love of God. […] The pain was so sharp that it made me utter several moans; and so excessive was the sweetness caused me by this intense pain that one can never wish it to cease, nor will one's soul be content with anything less than God. --St. Teresa of Avila--

I have male friends who say that they prefer the nonsexual, intimate embrace (yes, cuddling!) to sexual intimacy. However, they say that while a man is sexually aroused he can't enjoy such an embrace because his strong sexual desire overpowers any other feelings. This is why some people (of whom I am not one) will say that a man needs sexual fulfillment so that his mind can be freed for other things--as if man is so controlled by his libido that it's not possible to function as a normal human being without frequent, periodic sexual release. (Say it ain't so!) 

Due to the Fallen human condition, often physical touch can cause one to experience sexual arousal regardless of his/her relationship with the other person (e.g. stranger, teenager, family member, same sex person, etc.). Often this happens on its own, without an action of the will. Sometimes such feelings can be misinterpreted and cause a person to sexualize the relationship. The disordered sexualizing of an otherwise healthy relationship (e.g. close friendship) can lead to experimentation and labeling of a person's sexuality (e.g. bisexual) or, at the very least, the loss of that relationship. But the reality may be that this person also experiences normal sexual reactions and simply needs to learn to avoid sexualizing relationships. If every fleeting instance of sexual arousal must be scrutinized as evidence in determining one's sexual identity, then no wonder people are so confused.

In addition to the physical reaction, humans experience intense emotional reactions. For women especially, an intimate relationship can lead to unhealthy levels of emotional attachment. Lovers should not meet in 'sweet slavery' to one another but rather should achieve unity of heart. This is not fulfilled by infatuation with and unhealthy dependence on the other. And just as we can sexualize any relationship, we can also develop disordered emotional attachments to any other person (spouse, sibling, coworker, even kidnapper: e.g. Stockholm Syndrome). None of this suggests that we should avoid closer personal relationships altogether, but we should be vigilant and discerning in all things.

Because Jesus said that no one is married in the Kingdom of Heaven, we know that everyone will be celibate. But we know that we won't be suffering because of it, so we must be freed from sexual urges and emotional attachments. We will be emotionally fulfilled by God and our emotional reactions to other people will be perfected and purified. So we will be able to form close relationships without disorder. In fact, the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual perfection we obtain will set us free for chaste physical intimacy with others. There may be a lot more physical contact in Heaven because we will no longer battle sexual urges. We will be the disciple whom Jesus loved, reclining on a loved one's chest.

However, eternal life without sex does not mean life without passion. The truth is, we will not need marriage because we will have a nuptial relationship with God. Remember, in Heaven we are all invited to the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. Jesus is the bridegroom and each one of us belongs to him in a special way. We will have a passionate relationship with Jesus--a relationship of lovers, as described in the Song of Songs. We will experience God's jealous love that fulfills all of our desires without sexual intimacy. We will be like Teresa of Avila in spiritual ecstasy. And if our experience of God's Heavenly Eros is anything like St. Teresa described it then, indeed, who could be content with anything less?

Practice DOES make perfect!

Recently I was reminded of practicing with mom for a spelling bee. I would go off and work at memorizing the ridiculously long list of words and then mom would test me on the words I had misspelled last time. She wasn't particularly surprised when I still spelled most of them wrong, although with each new word she continued to hope that I would spell it correctly. If I had been goofing off when I was suppose to be memorizing, mom would have been upset by my lack of significant progress. But mom could see how hard I was trying and she patiently quizzed me over and over again, knowing that I really wanted to do well.

In a similar way, God helps us overcome our habitual sins. While I need to continue striving to overcome those sins: repenting when I fail, praying for extra grace to grow in this area, and resolving again to avoid future sin; I need to remember that God knows exact where I'm at spiritually. Although I have been concentrating on improving in certain areas, Jesus is not surprised when I fail and, yet again, commit the same type of sin. So long as I genuinely desire to avoid the sin and I'm doing all of the things that I know will help me achieve that (e.g. prayer and penance), then my heart is in the right place. Jesus knows that I desire to please him. And, in fact, he desires to help me overcome these sins. He is not angry, so long as I am repentant, and he patiently works with me to persevere in suffering, dying, and rising to this sin.

Psalm 145 states: "The Lord is faithful in all his words and loving in all his deeds. The Lord supports all who fall and raises all who are bowed down."

In a way, the Lord supports even those who repeatedly fall into sin. And the Lord raises even those who are bowed down by their own sinfulness and weakness, so long as they are humbly striving to the best of their ability to please him. The key is having contrition and a desire for continued conversion. In this case, with the help of God's grace, practice does make perfect!

Learning from Jesus: How to evangelize.

I thought I would take a break from the love and relationships posts and share a shorter post inspired by a homily I heard a few months ago about Jesus and the woman at the well from John 4:5-42. This is the story of Jesus' seemingly scandalous conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well. She was out drawing water in the heat of the day, not wanting to be seen and knowing that no other women would be there at that time. Jesus stopped to have a private conversation with the woman of inferior breeding (such was the thinking at the time) and asked her for a drink of water. She was shocked that he would even consider drinking out of her cup. "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman," she said. "How can you ask me for a drink?" (This was one weird Jew.) Jesus then proceeded to tell her everything she had ever done. He knew her already without having met her. And so he offered her a drink from the spring of water welling up to eternal life.

---

Learning from Jesus: How to evangelize.

March 23, 2014

In today's homily, our priest pointed out the gentle way in which Jesus interacted with the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus spoke of her sins but not in a scolding way. He could sense that she was not satisfied with the life she was living. She wearily asked how she could receive the living water so that she would not have to be burdened by returning to draw water day after day. She was living in 'survival mode' as Mother Angelica calls it. She was too busy reacting to her many problems and burdens to reflect on her life choices, and she couldn't see a way out of that life anyway. Jesus showed her another way, a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light. He desired to give her the living water of faith, a fresh start in a new life that is free from the burden of sin which brings death. He wanted to free her from the prison she had made for herself. He offered her redemption.

Jesus knew that a genuine encounter with the Holy Spirit would change this woman's life forever and that she would repent and cease to live a life of sin. And he saw that she was open to the Holy Spirit. Therefore, there was no need for him to address her sins directly. This poor Samaritan woman knew that she was a sinner, and she was despised and rejected by the community because of her misdeeds. She needed love and hope and an encounter with the Holy Spirit.

However, there were those who committed grave sins and did not consider themselves to be sinners. The Pharisees and Sadducees were held in high esteem as models of righteousness. They presumed God's favor and took it for granted while committing a multitude of sins. There are two blasphemies against the Holy Spirit, the only unforgivable sin: 1.) to despair that one's sins are too great for God's mercy 2.) to deny one's sinfulness and persist in unrepentance. The Pharisees and Sadducees were in the latter group. While they obstinately refused to humble themselves before God, already perfectly righteous in their own minds, Jesus, who was literally free from sin, received John's Baptism of Repentance in the Jordan, in order to "fulfill all righteousness".

Unrepentant, the Pharisees and Sadducees would not benefit from the gentleness shown to the Samaritan woman. Instead they were faced with tough love, receiving frequent tongue lashings from John the Baptist and Jesus.

"You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?? Produce good fruit as evidence of your repentance. And do not presume to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.'"

Sometimes tough love is the only way to shock someone into seeing their own sinfulness. This is one reason why the church has a process of excommunication, requiring one to produce good fruit (i.e. contrition and conversion) as evidence of repentance. Short of excommunication, other disciplinary actions can be taken to encourage repentance and protect others from scandal. It may not seem nice. But love is not always nice.

Lessons learned through an Unbound Conference.

Jesus healing Bartimaeus | by William Blake

Mom, my friend Becky, and I went to an Unbound conference last fall. (See mom's far more interesting post about the conference HERE.) I was excited and wanted to give mom an experience of the charisms in the Catholic Church. I had recommended the book Unbound to Becky but knew she hadn't had a chance to read it. I had given my copy of the book to mom and she had read part of it quite a while ago. She felt a little bit overwhelmed by the need to read the book in the small amount of time remaining before the beginning of the conference. But I assured her that she would not need to have finished the book in order to benefit from the conference. 

It started on a Friday night. Somehow I miscommunicated the time and Becky arrived an hour early before any other attendees had arrived and while the venue was still being set up. Mom arrived a little bit later after having driven 8 hours from VT. A praise and worship band was suppose to perform during the hour devoted to signing in the attendees but for some reason they did not start until the end of that hour. Because of this the actual conference started an hour late. It was clear that Neal Lozano (author of Unbound) and his wife were also tired from their own hectic traveling and the conveners wanted to finish up close to the scheduled ending time because the talks started early the next day and many of us had a long commute. Mom and Becky were staying at my place which was about a 45 minute drive. So Neal and his wife sort of abbreviated and rushed through their presentations. This may have been ok for those who had read Unbound, but for those unfamiliar with the book it was quite confusing. On one side I saw my poor mom fighting sleep and on the other side I saw Becky struggling to piece together the bits of information that were presented without a thorough explanation of the underlying premise.

After we adjourned for the night, mom and Becky expressed their confusion and disappointment and I couldn't help feeling demoralized and unexcited that we had another full day of this. I prayed and prayed and prayed and asked the Blessed Virgin Mary to intervene that we might benefit spiritually from day 2. Fortunately, graces must have been raining down on everyone involved with the conference, because the next day we were given a coherent explanation of the Unbound method--five keys to inner healing and spiritual freedom--and profound blessings occurred. Why do I mention all of this? Because I have been meditating on the type of petitionary prayer I had engaged in that Friday night and my subsequent response. This is a petition for divine assistance to resolve a perfectly natural problem by perfectly ordinary means.

The problem was as follows. We weren't understanding the message of the presenters (due to lack of clarity, fatigue on both sides, whatever) and, therefore, were unable to benefit spiritually or even intellectually from the experience. And this negative experience the first night had enkindled within us the expectation that the next day would not be any better and, therefore, would be a huge waste of time and money. And so the attendees and presenters alike needed a sort of conversion and restoration of unity that would allow us to understand each other and allow the Holy Spirit to work. This is what I asked for in prayer.

The next day the problem was, in fact, resolved. Whether it be due to a good night's sleep or a healthy breakfast or simply a better organization of presentations for the second day, there was a marked improvement over the first night. So this happened in response to my prayer, right? For the Missionaries of Charity the answer is simple and obvious. Yes. The prayer was answered. The nuns believe that when they pray for something and it happens, it was God's will. When they pray for something and it doesn't happen, it must not have been God's will so it's a good thing that it didn't happen. Either way, God answered the prayer.

But it's tough to have the mind of a skeptic. Most of the time such an ordinary resolution of a problem doesn't even register in my mind as a possible response to prayer and so I forget that I ever prayed for divine assistance in the first place. When I do happen to remember that I had prayed for such an outcome, my skeptic's mind tells me that things might have played out exactly as they did even if I hadn't spent that time in prayer Friday night. Or perhaps, I tell myself, someone else was praying for the same intention and God answered her prayer. I typically feel as though humility prohibits me from presuming that my own prayer had any effect on the course of events and I shrink from 'taking credit' for moving the Hand of God. But a thorough examination of conscience reveals the sinfulness of this line of thinking.

Sometimes I think about certain miracles that I've asked for in prayer, e.g. miraculous healings, and how they never happened. Then I observe how people who are more advanced and faithful in prayer tend to obtain more of these miracles. Intellectually, this comes as no surprise. If a person remains faithful and spends more time in prayer then he/she will become more conformed to God's will and will have a better idea of what to ask for in prayer, therefore, his/her 'success rate' will increase over time simply because he/she is asking for the 'right' things. Also, we need to ask for the right things for the right reasons. Joe's prayer for Jeanie's miraculous healing may be answered because he has genuine compassion for her in her suffering and is concerned for her salvation and will humbly praise and thank God 'in the midst of the assembly' when this healing occurs. However, I may have been praying for Jeanie's miraculous healing for months already with no effect because I'm more concerned with glorifying myself by racking up a list of miracles than I am with alleviating Jeanie's suffering.

The system of intercessory prayer is complex because many people are praying for many things and for a variety of reasons. And when praying for another person one has to take into account the spiritual state of that person and whether or not that person, for example, wants to be healed and/or will benefit spiritually from such a healing. Finally we have to take into account God's overarching plan for humanity, which is something we can't even begin to understand. And so we have this infinitely complex system of intercessory prayer which can only be seen clearly in very isolated, highly constrained events. This is why the Vatican's process for verifying miracles in support of a canonization is very particular and can take more than ten years.

Miracle of the Sun | Fatima, Portugal | October 13, 1917

And so it seems humble to say that I can't understand the mystery of prayer and, therefore, will not presume that God has answered my prayer in such unexciting cases as the Unbound conference. Perhaps I am not holy enough or do not have strong enough faith to pray effectively, how should I know? But notice how much emphasis this puts on me. In contrast to the Missionaries of Charity whose focus is on God and what He wants to give, my focus is on myself and how capable I am of obtaining from God what I think He should give. To say that I'm not worthy of obtaining graces from God in response to my prayers, as though I need to practice more and get better at it in order to obtain what I want, is false humility. The Missionaries of Charity assume, based on the words of Jesus in the Gospels, that no matter what the outcome God has certainly responded to their prayers. My refusal to concede that God does, in fact, respond to my prayer requests has at least two unfortunate consequences: 1.) a utilitarian attitude toward the spiritual life, in which my devotion to prayer is a means of obtaining a certain power over God and the ability to evoke a certain response, and 2.) a lack of recognition of and gratitude for the action of the Holy Spirit in my life. Sinfulness has so easily crept into my attitude toward prayer. This is why a regular and thorough examination of conscience is so important.

And so, with the help of God's grace, I firmly resolve to confess my sins, do penance, and amend my life. Amen.

Good Friday and a Fountain of Mercy for Us.

The following is a meditation that came to me during the Veneration of the Cross at the Good Friday service. Let us thank God for his infinite Divine Mercy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The crowd, some of whom had been followers of Jesus, was now an angry mob. They had expected the Messiah to come with power. Jesus was falsely accused. And when he refused to speak any words to defend himself or even explain the things he had taught, the crowd became indignant. As he was tortured and mocked, they felt humiliated for having believed in him--the Scandal of the Cross. As Pilate sarcastically referred to Jesus as their king, they could bear the humiliation no longer. They turned on him and a vicious mob mentality took over. Jesus refused to be the Messiah they had longed for and so they rejected him.

In moments of darkness we are no different from them. Claiming to be followers of Jesus we are disillusioned, thinking in our hearts: "You are not who I thought you would be. Things are so much different than I thought they would be, than I wanted them to be." We want Jesus to be something that he is not. We want him to prevent evil from existing in this world. We face suffering with indignation. There are things that we thought he would give us. Some of them we still lack. At times we reflect on the Pentecost narrative with bitterness in our hearts because we remain cowardly. We covet the graces that were poured out upon the early Church as if God has long since abandoned us. But perhaps it's our own fault. "He did not work many mighty deeds there because of their lack of faith."

We look back at the way things used to be and we stray from the Way of the Cross. We no longer want to be like the Suffering Servant. We worship false gods and play the harlot. We thought things would be so much different now, and yet so often everything seems the same. "I wanted to be a Saint. I wanted to be out saving the world." We become restless in our faith. "I want a sword. Push me out into the Colosseum. Anything other than this ennui that's slowly crushing the life out of the world. I wanted to be a missionary, but they sent me to the Secretariat of State. I wanted to be poor like Saint Francis, live in rags, love God, beg for crusts. […] I get an apartment and a salary." [1]

We turn our backs on Jesus and feel like we are the ones who have been betrayed.  "I gave you my life. Your will not mine, Lord." When we gave our allegiance to the Lord we did not think that he would waste it. "He has left me by the wayside. Discarded me like rubbish…."

We are spiritually blind and do not see the glory of the true battle. "The deadliest part of the battle is hidden. Some of it is above our heads in the heavenly realms where the righteous battle against demons. But there is much unseen warfare on earth." [2]

In times of consolation we have believed wholeheartedly in the supreme value of abandonment to Divine Providence. And yet now the simplicity of the message and the Scandal of the Cross are humiliations that almost cannot be endured. Without realizing it, we reject the True Messiah because we want a Messiah of our own making. We want his kingdom to be of this world, and we end up worshipping the Golden Calf. In these times of darkness we are somehow united, through sin, with the vicious mob shouting "Crucify him!"

But then we look at Jesus tormented and dying on the Cross, Jesus who has already given so much. He has given us life and freedom from slavery to sin. He became perfect through what he suffered. Through obedience to God the Father he destroys death and opens the Kingdom of Heaven to all believers. He does all of this in what seems to the world an unremarkable and even shameful way. And he is despised and rejected for it.

Once he has been give up to death, we and some of the members of that crowd see that "truly, this was the Son of God." But now it's too late. We have broken our covenant and are no longer in full communion with God. Together with those members of the crowd we look with horror upon our sins. Some of us believe what he said, that death will be defeated and he will be raised up on the third day. But we wonder if it is too late for us. 

Oh my Jesus, I have betrayed you. I have crucified you in my heart and I am blinded by the stain of my sin. You are gone. Jesus is dead.

Dear Crucified Jesus, let me kiss your feet and wash them with my tears. Show me how to surrender to the Will of the Father. Help me die to myself and live in you.

"Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" The Good Shepherd will seek and restore even one lost sheep. "Do not be afraid. I am the first and the last, the one who lives. Once I was dead, but now I am alive forever and ever. I hold the keys to death and the netherworld." He is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.

Oh Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in you.


[1] Father Elijah, by Michael O'Brien; p 50
[2] Father Elijah, by Michael O'Brien; p 49

7 of 7: I *heart* Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI!

Oops, this one is a little late cause I was talking with FrC.

It has been about one year since Benedict XVI stepped down from the papacy, and I think he was the cutest Pope ever! I'm currently writing him a letter and I hope that in his free time he will come visit us in Maryland.

A while ago, I read the book "Light of the World" which is a transcript from a six hour interview with the Pope. The following question regards the hat in the first picture.

The infamous red hat that caused such a stir.

 
It caused a stir when you chose the now famous camauro, a sort of peaked cap that had last been worn by John XXIII, as a head covering for the winter. Was that just a fashion accessory--or was it the expression of a return to tried and true forms in the Church?

"I wore it only once. I was just cold, and I happen to have a sensitive head. And I said, since the camauro is there, then let's put it on. But I was really just trying to fight off the cold. I haven't put it on again since. In order to forestall over-interpretation."

The Pope fell asleep at an event in Malta; 
maybe it was a science colloquium!

From Jesus of Nazareth, by Joseph Ratzinger:

I would only ask my readers for that initial goodwill without which there can be no understanding.

Forgiveness exacts a price—first of all from the person who forgives. He must overcome within himself the evil done to him; he must, as it were, burn it interiorly and in so doing renew himself. As a result, he also involves the other, the trespasser, in this process of transformation, of inner purification, and both parties, suffering all the way through and overcoming evil, are made new.

Praying the rosary while walking--
pretty good for an octogenarian.

I know that I need trials so that my nature can be purified. When you decide to send me these trials, when you give evil some room to maneuver, as you did with Job, then please remember that my strength goes only so far. 



The Exorcism of Baptism: These words imply a great liberating power—the great exorcism that purifies the world. No matter how many gods may have been at large in the world, God is only one, and only one is Lord. If we belong to him, everything else loses its power; it loses the allure of divinity.

Looks like he forgot the booster seat.

Afterward, though, it is time to stand firm, even along the monotonous desert paths that we are called upon to traverse in life—with the patience it takes to tread evenly, a patience in which the romanticism of the initial awakening subsides, so that only the deep, pure Yes of faith remains. 

This would have been the look on his face
 if we'd had the chance to meet me.

No conditions specifically involving knowledge of Revelation are enumerated, only ‘inquiring after God’ and the basic tenants of justice that a vigilant conscience—stirred into activity by the search for God—conveys to everyone.

The Pope snarling at a lion cub. Awesomest picture ever?

And love does admittedly run counter to self-seeking—it is an exodus out of oneself, and yet this is precisely the way in which man comes to himself.
 
From the final address of Pope Benedict XVI:

The Church is alive, she grows and she awakens in souls, which  - as the Virgin Mary – welcome the Word of God and conceive it through the work of the Holy Spirit; they offer to God their own flesh, indeed in their own poverty and humbleness, becoming capable of giving birth to Christ in the world today.

Pope Benedict goes to Washington? This is his American look.

Pope Benedict interviews the astronauts on the International Space Station. Aw! He sounds so cute. :o)

6 of 7: My hypocrisy only goes so far.

Jesus submitted to the authority of Pontius Pilate even to the point of accepting unjust condemnation and death; however, this was in fulfillment of the scriptures. Jesus knew that in accepting the injustice he was acting in obedience to his Heavenly Father. He told Pilate, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above." (Curiously, Jesus went on to note that since God had placed Pilate in this position of authority, his sin in unjustly condemning Jesus was less than that of those who had handed him over.)

I am obligated to submit to the will of God. However, lest anyone think that Christianity is about suffering anything and everything without protest, I would point out that Jesus frequently spoke against injustice as did his apostles and disciples. Jesus accused the Pharisees of burdening the people with unnecessary rules and requirements, of demanding justice without mercy. Even to the point of apparent disobedience, with righteous anger he pushed over the tables of the moneychangers and vendors in the temple area. There are many examples of peaceful (and not so peaceful) protest in the Acts of the Apostles. I am obligated to do what I reasonably can to oppose the unjust use of authority, always with the goal of triggering spiritual conversion. Determining how to do so is a matter of discernment through prayer. No person can actively support every cause. We really do have to pick our battles. But we can always pray for conversion of heart and we can speak in defense of the truth when the opportunity arises.

I have no doubt that on Judgement Day, seeing for the first time the full measure of my Pharisaical pride, it will appear that "my hypocrisy knows no bounds." (Although my trust in Jesus gives me hope that I will be spared the fate of that Brood of Vipers!) However, for now I would like to think, with the great Doc Holliday, that "My hypocrisy goes only so far." With the passing of the Affordable Care Act with its contraceptives mandate I was suddenly (and quite rudely) awakened to the fact that my insurance plan covered various abortifacients and would soon, as required by law, cover the morning after pill and sterilizations. Of course there are many factors that figure in to choosing an insurance plan but, under my life circumstances, choosing an insurance plan that covers such things when it is possible to obtain a plan that does not is cooperation with sin. Now, at first glance, it appears that I have no choice but to acquire a plan that I believe facilitates sin.

It's interesting to note that the Supreme Court classified Obamacare as a tax. Jesus paid taxes to the Roman government, knowing that it was a corrupt institution committing evil deeds. One can note a touch of cynicism in the injunction to "render unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar". If money is the root of all evil then, by all means, Caesar can have it! And so, in submitting to lawful authority, I pay my taxes knowing that some of it will support Planned Parenthood.

But in the case of my insurance policy, is there another option? In my research I found that "medical sharing plans" are exempt from the usual Obamacare requirements and, although they are not insurance plans, fulfill one's obligation for having medical insurance. This exemption was granted only to the three medical sharing companies that existed as of 1997; therefore, no new providers may offer such plans--a situation which encourages poor service and corruption. But at this point the reviews I've found vary from lukewarm to highly satisfied.

Basically, the medical sharing plans require one to contribute money to a kitty each month to be doled out by a board of directors, with more-or-less absolute power, who determine priorities. Some of the companies do not accept people with certain preexisting conditions and all of them have rules that medical bills for preexisting conditions cannot be submitted for sharing. These are Christian plans that require members to agree to live a Christian lifestyle and therefore do not offer sharing for medical bills for problems such as drug abuse counseling and, presumably, pregnancy outside of marriage. This strikes me as a bit Calvinist and bothers me. If I have a family and we have been members of the medical sharing plan for years and my teenage daughter gets pregnant or my teenage son overdoses it doesn't seem right that we will receive no assistance at all in what is probably our time of greatest need. But then, I'm not a member of the board of directors, and I do understand that financial coverage needs to be limited in order for such a cost sharing system to work. Each of these companies have policies I don't fully agree with, but at least I know that they don't cover anything that I would consider sinful.

So in order to flee Obamacare and limit my hypocrisy, I have given up my health insurance and joined Christian Healthcare Ministries, as it seems the least restrictive of the three options. CHM does not turn away anyone because of preexisting conditions and is somewhat more flexible in terms of lifestyle. For example, one has to promise to consume alcohol responsibly rather than not at all. In terms of how this effects my life, it seems that I will receive no financial support on any medical bill costing less than $500. Anything over that can be submitted for the cost sharing and, unlike insurance, there is no guarantee that a certain amount will be covered.

Although CHM claims that medical centers frequently provide discounts for people without insurance, not having an actual insurance policy does tempt me to avoid receiving medical care outside of a medical emergency. In this I feel more solidarity with the poor. Many of those who do purchase insurance, rather than paying the MUCH less expensive tax penalty for not having insurance (I guess it's $95 the first year.), will end up with copays and large deductibles that discourage them from seeking routine medical care. However, unlike the poor, I am blessed with a job that can cover a handful of $500 medical bills per year.

Not to paint too negative a picture, there are some really great benefits to being a member of a medical sharing group. For example, assuming I'm healthy this month, I effectively send my monthly payment directly to a person in need to help cover his/her medical bills. Whereas, with insurance I was focused on "what's in this for me?" and how much I could get out of a particular plan, the medical sharing is much more externally focused on how I can help the other members. In addition to sending money, each giver is encouraged to pray for the ones receiving support. CHM also employs a doctor who is available for free, informal consultation--sort of like WebMD. And there is a monthly newsletter where one can list any requests for prayer and encouragement only or even genuine medical expenses that were not eligible for the regular sharing. Members who are willing and able can choose to send extra funds to support these needs. The providers boast that the medical sharing group works more like the early Christian communities described in the Acts of the Apostles, where one person's surplus made up for another person's lack.

Overall I think that this will be a good change for me, not just because I will not have to compromise my beliefs, but also because it demands greater trust in God. Do I really trust that God will provide for me if my medical situation changes and becomes more expensive? For now, I will hope not to be put to the test.