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| Rerouting! |
Previously when I wrote in this blog, I felt certain that I was called to the religious life and that I would enter a convent soon. After visiting several communities, I settled on one in Ohio and began repeatedly visiting. This was a community with both men and women, each living in different dormitories on the property. They spent more than half of the day gathered together in the chapel for prayer, a good amount of time gathered together for meals--often eating in silence or listening to spiritual readings, and a small amount of time each day completing chores. Twice per week, they would visit residents at local nursing homes. This was their main ministry.
They lived in a remote location and I felt very peaceful there. Sister Teresa was the community's superior at the time that I started visiting, although a new superior was selected by vote every two years. Sister Teresa was one of the founding members and had spent about ten years in the community by herself until other men and women decided to enter. When I first visited, there were four men and two women in the community.
I remember feeling really comfortable with the community members even during my first visit. Their prayer routine was so similar to mine that I was able to make the transition from my regular life into the convent life almost seamlessly. During one visit, one of the Sisters burnt her finger and the other Sister brought her to Urgent Care. I was the only woman but was able to lead the Sisters' section of the prayers on my own. Being there seemed natural. At the same time, I was anxious about the idea of entering the convent, worrying about my family, and wanting to make the right decision. I didn't feel the excited joy that some Sisters described feeling after deciding to enter. However, Sister Teresa said that peace was the most reliable indicator of making the right decision. She said that feelings of joy would come after. I believed her then and I still do. I remembered choosing a college and feeling at peace with the decision even though I was very nervous. Soon after entering college, I felt excitement and joy. I prayed with my spiritual director and decided that God must have called me to enter this community.
On my next visit, I talked with the superior about submitting an application to become a postulant in the community. She agreed that I seemed to be called to the community and they were willing to expedite my application. I felt nervous but at peace. However, things aren't always so simple. God has other ways to communicate His plans.
I had been helping some family members to work through some situations and I had thought that the situations were resolved, freeing me to enter the convent at any time. But it turned out that I had miscalculated and that the situation would probably not be resolved for at least another year. I promptly informed the superior that I would not be able to apply for at least another year but that I was still interested and would like to keep visiting. She was very accommodating.
Over the next few months, I started to wonder if God was not just testing my resolve. I began to think that He was actually rerouting me. I informed the superior that I wanted to visit a different community with a more active ministry to see if God was calling me in a different direction and that I would get back to her. Again, she was very accommodating.
And so I visited another fabulous community where each Sister had a full-time job in order to support their collective financial needs. Again, I felt comfortable with the Sisters from day one and was able to more-or-less seamlessly transition into their way of life. My first visit was lovely and they wanted me to come back soon. They tentatively planned that, if I were to enter, I could teach science at the Catholic high school. They invited me back a few months later to the clothing ceremony of their postulant who was becoming a novice. I was extremely excited to attend.
This community was in New Hampshire so I was flying into Logan Airport and then taking a bus to meet one of the Sisters. I ended up having to call her because my flight was delayed and I missed the bus and would be an hour late. I decided to spend the extra hour in prayer.
I had recently begun to believe that I would enter this community instead of the one in Ohio. I spent a lot of time imagining how I would teach my high school classes, standing in front of the class in my religious habit, and starting things off with a prayer. I started to feel excited about the unique spirituality of the community, which was more charismatic than any of the other groups I had visited.
In prayer, I brought this to God, asking if this community was the right place for me. To my shock and amazement, I suddenly felt to the core of my being that God was saying that I was not called to enter this community. In fact, I just knew that I was not called to the religious life at all. This is what St. Ignatius called the first mode of discernment. In this case, the individual simply knows what to do without any doubt and the realization comes quickly, almost like being struck by lightning, and that certainty never leaves them.
All at once, I was relieved, disappointed, and miffed. I was relieved that after spending three years visiting religious communities I finally felt certain of what to do about it--i.e., not enter the convent. However, I was disappointed because I had genuinely felt at peace in the lifestyle and didn't want to walk away from that. To some degree, I felt like I was starting all over again. I knew what not to do with my life. But I wasn't sure what I should do. Also, I felt like God's timing was pretty darn inconvenient. In two hours, Sister would be picking me up for a weekend visit. What was I supposed to tell them? How awkward!
Three years later, looking back on the situation, I think the answer was obvious. I simply should have told them what happened while I was praying at the airport. But at the time, I think I was self-conscious and a little embarrassed, feeling like I had gotten everything completely wrong by thinking that I was called to the convent. Because of that, I chickened out and told the Sisters that I still wasn't sure and needed to take some time off to pray.
I ended up having a very lovely visit, just like all of my other visits. It was such a blessing to be there for the clothing ceremony which was just as beautiful as a wedding and something that most people will never have the chance to attend. The Sister receiving her habit was so radiantly happy and, as I prayed for her, I hoped that I would experience that myself someday.
In the months following my last visit to the convents, I was able to integrate those three years with the rest of my life so far. Looking back, I believe that God was calling me to the convent for a period of discernment rather than for my whole life. I was not wrong in my discernment, but had over-interpreted and presumed that I would enter permanently. Nonetheless, the experiences I had with the Sisters were crucial to my spiritual growth and development and, even now, I often remember their examples, advice, and encouragement. Even in the midst of the chaos of secular life, I still try to live with a sense of monasticism and peace.
Since that day at Logan Airport, I have never lost the certainty that I am not meant to enter the convent. That said, I would often think back to the community in Ohio, the one that I had almost entered, and daydream about what it would be like and wonder how the members were doing. I felt like it would still be ok if I never found the right path for myself. I could always make visits to the community and help to support their calling. It was like a spiritual backup plan to console me when I felt afraid that I would never find my purpose. However, this would not continue for long.
About one year after the airport, I met and had a conversation with someone who had been a postulant at a monastery in Ohio--small world! I told him that I had been discerning with a community in Ohio and he said that he used to make retreats at their facility and is friends with the members--even smaller world! Then he shared some shocking and sad news. In the two years since my last visit, two of the members of the already small community had discerned that they were not called to permanent vows and went back to the secular life. This heavy blow, combined with growing financial struggles, caused the remaining members to make the heartbreaking decision to shut down. The members who had already made final vows had since relocated to other communities.
Now I not only felt certain that I am not called to the religious life but felt extremely grateful that God, having seen in advance that the community would not make it, had spared me the experience of leaving everything to join a community only to have it shut down one year later. This is one of the known risks of joining a small community but, nevertheless, I was happy not to have to be there for it.
I learned this news during one of my last conversations with this acquaintance and marveled at the fact that, in God's plan, we had crossed paths primarily so that I would have that information. I received this as a message from God that I ought to move on from thoughts of the religious life. Although that period is a beautiful part of my past, it is not my future. This also instilled in me a greater sense of urgency. If God was telling me to look forward, perhaps there was another path ready to explore.
