Musings on the Religious Life

Carmelite Nuns explain their vocation.

The vocation to Religious Life is truly a calling, a free gift of God, to enter into the inner circle of Jesus' companions. "Soon afterwards, he began going around from one city and village to another, proclaiming and preaching the kingdom of God. The twelve were with him, and also some women who had been healed of evil spirits and sicknesses." (Luke 8:1-3) 

 

All Catholics are called to Holiness, but those in religious life (monks, nuns, friars, religious sisters) are called to a more literal following of the historical life of Christ. It is a call to live the Gospel: "The consecrated life truly constitutes a living memorial of Jesus' way of living and acting as the Incarnate Word in relation to the Father and in relation to the brethren." (VC)* All are called to live a certain poverty, chastity and obedience but the Religious is called to manifest the extreme poverty, chastity and obedience of Jesus. For example, the rich young man kept all the commandments, but when asked to relinquish all of his belongings and follow Jesus he went away sad. The vocation to religious life is essentially the same call.

The Desert Fathers (hermits) can be considered the first to enter religious life. Some say they did so because Christianity had gained greater acceptance and it was no longer likely that a person would suffer martyrdom in the literal sense. Therefore, they chose to leave the world and 'crucify' their own desires in order to die to self in a spiritual martyrdom. The religious life is a white martyrdom, through which the individual is emptied of self and filled with Christ. This can also be seen as the path of contemplative union with God.

St. Bernard and St. Thomas Aquinas referred to Religious Life as a second baptism. As in the first baptism we die to our previous life of sin, in professing perpetual vows we die to our life in the world. We are consecrated, or set apart, for the service of God. (This is one of the reasons why the Religious Sister receives a new name, because she has died to her previous life. It also indicates a new kind of relationship with God, like when Abram was renamed Abraham.) This requires a complete giving of self, a pouring out, that is modeled by Jesus' death on the cross and the outpouring of blood and water from his sacred side. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." In this way, the religious life is a life of sacrifice for love of neighbor and, ultimately, for the salvation of souls.

*Post-synodal Apostolic Exhortation, Vita Consecrata (Consecrated Life) by Pope St. John Paul I

7QT: March for Life and more

In which mom and I get tricked again by the March for Life. We thought we had seen the whole March and it hadn't even officially started. Doh!

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Somehow I always have trouble finding the hundreds of thousands of people gathered for the March for Life. You would expect it to be easy! But I have a true gift for not finding things.

This year I went to the March for Life with mom and it was AWESOME as usual. It's like a great big Catholic family reunion, including some family friends like the Lutherans for Life and the Eastern Orthodox.

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It wasn't too cold this year but it was really windy. Mom and I walked about a quarter of the way and prayed part of the rosary with a group of seminarians. Mom paused for a while with a group of people who had been conceived by rape and were giving an interview. It turned out to be Rebecca Kiessling's group. She was featured in Mike Huckabee's documentary "The Gift of Life" and her story thoroughly convinced me that, even in cases of rape, abortion is not acceptable.

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And it turns out that a lot of fantastic people were conceived through rape:
http://tinseltownmom.com/10-celebrities-who-were-conceived-by-rape-or-bore-a-child-out-of-rape/

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 Time lapsed video of March for Life

Anyway, for a while mom and I stood on the steps of a building to watch everyone pass. After maybe 100,000 people passed by there was a huge break and we could see police cars in the distance. We figured it was over and almost went home. But after loitering for a while we could see the big March for Life banner and flags (at about 0:42 in the time lapsed video). We realized that we hadn't even seen the main part of the March! We were probably there for about an hour more, watching the rest of the people walk by. Then we joined some teenagers toward the back and finished the March to the Supreme Court building.

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I've mentioned the secular Pro-Life groups in the past but wanted to share an excerpt from a great blog post. Of course, I don't think that there is any compelling reason for abortion but I agree with the rest.

The act of abortion itself, if done without compelling reason, is unjust treatment of the unborn. In a society that condones injustice, everyone in the society is diminished – men and women. That act is particularly harmful to the woman. It treats a fundamental female function as a disease that has to be cured surgically in order for the woman to be more like a man. When pregnant women feel they must resort to abortion for the sake of career goals, pregnant women’s genuine contributions to society are deemed insufficient to win society’s rewards, without their first employing violence against the weak. Abortion pits the woman against her child in an unequal contest. Either she must willfully deny the humanity of her child—an increasingly difficult fiction to maintain in the era of modern technology—or consciously recognize that her child is human and alive just like her, and settle their conflicting interests through might makes right. Both possibilities place a psychological burden on the woman alone.

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On a brighter note, Andy came to visit me and mom at the end of January and we went up to Noxen PA to visit Grampa and Flo for a couple of days. He just got accepted to nursing school and we're all pretty excited about that. Back in Maryland, Andy and I tried the Fractured Prune but we were a little overwhelmed by all of the flavors, kind of like the make-your-own ice cream sundays we had as kids. We decided that the french toast (or was it pancake?), which sounded the most boring, was the best. I think it had maple glaze and cinnamon and sugar.

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FYI, I did make the french onion dip and it was fantastically awesome with our Terra's Taro chips. For my birthday, we made some more dip and had some friends over for pizza! We used zucchini flatbread for crust, nightshade free red sauce, vegan cheese and turkey pepperoni. For a birthday cake, mom made me a yummy chocolate microwave mug cake.

Dairy Free French Onion Dip -- sans bacon, sub dill for rosemary, see vegan mayonnaise recipe below
Homemade Vegan Mayonnaise -- sans mustard and sweetened with two drops of stevia
Paleo Zucchini Flatbread --  squeeze out as much water as possible
Microwave Mug Cake --  with Lilly's chocolate chips

For more Quick Takes, visit This Ain't the Lyceum!

Discerning God's Call: Part 2

Blessed Sacrament Church in Seattle

In July 2014, I went on a work trip to a conference in Seattle. After praying that the Lord would give me grace to see Him present at the conference, my mind was filled with interesting thoughts regarding a theology of science. It reminded me of a small group of Dominican Friars formed to address the relationship between faith and science. I recognized the freedom that these friars have to pursue God in all things, a freedom I do not feel like I have in my present position, and began to imagine my life as a Dominican Sister. To my surprise, the more I thought about it the more I felt drawn to the Religious life and it seemed to fulfill my deepest yearnings, including:

1.) a public vow of celibacy

For quite a while I have felt called to celibacy for the sake of the kingdom, recognizing that living the single life leaves a person free for the matters of God, as St. Paul pointed out (1 Cor 7:32).

 2.) a spiritual family

One of the obvious downsides of lifelong celibacy is not being able to start a family of my own, but I saw that living in community provides a spiritual family where a spouse and biological offspring are lacking.

3.) community support of my faith

Nowadays it can be difficult to stand up for the faith because so often it feels like I'm standing alone. In community, we can bolster each other's faith and be more courageous in our witness.

4.) radical modesty and physical witness through the Religious habit

Nowadays, simply wearing a religious habit makes a strong statement of faith.

5.) living with Jesus in the Eucharist or within a few minutes walk

After having spent time in retreat houses with tabernacles, I desperately wanted to have such easy access to Eucharistic Adoration on a regular basis.

6.) prayer as a priority and greater discipline

In the Religious life, one has access to Mass and the Divine Office and the rosary every day and regulated penances, and plenty of opportunities to share the fruits of contemplation.

My previous complaints started to seem silly. I had complained that modern-day religious orders are not penitential enough; however, the consecrated life demands many difficult sacrifices that my current life does not. And certainly God is capable of sending whatever suffering necessary to make me grow in holiness! But my biggest concern was that my family needs my financial and emotional support. However, surely when a woman enters Religious life her relationship with family grows deeper and the Lord provides for them in the ways that she no longer can. My final argument had been that the vow of obedience would not leave me fully apostolically available to the Holy Spirit. Essentially I was afraid that my superior may not be guided by the Holy Spirit and that God would not be free to lead me directly if I were under a vow of obedience. But nothing can stand in the way of God's will. The Religious life started to seem a little bit less scary and a little bit more possible.

A couple of times before, I had wondered about Religious life but brushed it aside by rationalizing that I couldn't even consider such a thing while my grandmother was alive. At the time I had thought that she had many years left, but the Lord knew differently. Now just one month after her death I was already thinking about it again. This week, each morning before the conference, I woke up with this idea in my mind. One morning I planned to go to Mass at Blessed Sacrament Church, which had adoration then Divine Office then Mass then rosary. That morning in the shower, as I was again pondering potential Religious vocations, I picked up my foot to step out of the tub. My other foot flew out from under me and I fell into the bottom of the shower after smashing my head on the wall. I didn't seem to have a concussion, but I wondered if maybe the devil either didn't want me considering a vocation or he didn't want me getting to this church (or both). Feeling tempted to skip Mass, I pushed myself to go anyway.

The first day I attended Blessed Sacrament was the Feast of the Birth of St. John the Baptist. Father talked about how John the Baptist went to the desert and grew and became strong before beginning his ministry to the Israelites. Father said that sometimes we will go years or even decades simply growing and becoming strong in our faith before God calls us to a mission. But we should pray for the mission to be revealed to us when the time comes and work at growing stronger in the meantime.

During the week of the conference, I went to this parish for three days and every day I was surprised anew at the beauty of the Divine Office chanted by the priest and some parishioners. I felt like I was experiencing some of Heaven on Earth and yearned to be able to have such an experience every day. It renewed my love for the liturgy and gave me a deeper sense of longing for the consecrated life.

As I mentioned before, our local priest had encouraged me to look into some active communities, so one night I decided to watch some vocational discernment videos on YouTube. It actually threw me into turmoil! For example, the video showed Sisters joyfully playing volleyball and I had repeated flashbacks to volleyballs smashing the glasses off of my face. I also saw a wonderful Sister doing an amazing job of teaching an elementary school class. But teaching elementary school is one thing I feel almost certain I am not called to do. After watching the video, I felt sure that if I were to become a Sister I would be forced to be a kindergarten teacher who plays basketball every day and that I would never be happy. This threw me into a sort of depression. At this point I had heard of active communities and fully-cloistered contemplative communities and I didn't feel called to either. I didn't realize that there were other options in between.

On Wednesday, having obsessed for over a day about vocational discernment, I realized that the Lord doesn't want me to lose my peace and that I don't have to determine my entire future in the period of a few days. And so, again, I set aside any discernment and left the matter in God's hands.

Discerning God's Call: Part 1

Me and gramma at The Walters Art Museum in Baltimore

My mom recently became friends with a young lady from Africa who asked how I came to consider the possibility of religious life. Below is Part 1 of I'm not sure how many posts on the topic.

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"It's good that Sarah has faith. I just hope she doesn't go overboard and become a nun!" Later on, my grandmother decided she shouldn't have said that because "I guess it's suppose to be a good thing when somebody becomes a nun." But the idea of becoming a nun seemed so impossible to me that I couldn't imagine why my grandmother was worrying about it.

Of course, I have noticed the big push to get teenagers and undergraduates to visit religious communities and for the guys to learn about the priesthood. The idea is to encourage young Catholics to consider these vocations which they might otherwise think of as 'too hard' or 'great for someone else but not for me'. And in fact, many young people are surprised to find that they are inexplicably attracted to religious consecration. However, I became Catholic at age 29 with a career in research science. Making a bunch of visits 'just in case' really wasn't feasible for me.

And so, discerning religious life is not something that was really on my radar. I often prayed for direction in my life and for God's will to be made known. I even prayed that God would give me a specific vocation; you know, maybe I would open a halfway house somewhere. However, every time I asked God, I seemed to get the same non-answer: "Now is not the time to ask this question. Keep doing what you're doing and come back later."

It's not that I felt certain that God would not call me to religious life, but I didn't see much point in exploring the option before feeling called to it. It's not a vocation that one can choose. The call has to come from God. And God wasn't answering with what I might be called to do.

At the end of 2013, instead of meeting with my primary spiritual director, I started meeting with a local priest for several months. We got talking about vocations. When I told him about the amazing way that Divine Providence had led me to a career in research science, he figured this meant I was called to the secular life and not religious life. I wrote a letter explaining this to my grandmother who was pretty sick with cancer, knowing she would be comforted.

It was kind of nice to have that door closed. But after a few months of getting to know me, Father was singing a different tune. He was beginning to think that maybe I actually am called to a religious vocation. He started recommending that I visit some active communities. Unfortunately, this was the worst time for me to visit anyone. My grandmother's situation had gotten considerably worse and now she was in the process of dying. I used all of my vacation time to see her as much as possible and I was so stressed out! Cutting out any unnecessary activities was the only way for me to stay sane. Not only did I not visit any religious communities, but I stopped spiritual direction altogether. However, I did respect Father's advice and left the door open to the possibility of visiting some communities in the future.

The door was back open, but I still didn't have any sense of God calling me. So I continued to hold off on any kind of vocational discernment pending further direction from the Holy Spirit.

Women do deserve better!

No one can deny that at conception a sort of big bang occurs (pardon my French) at which point a new life is put into motion. A life is conceived that will develop from that moment. The perpetual discussion of when a fetus becomes a baby or when a baby develops personhood distracts from the obvious fact that the story of a new life has begun at conception. Each of us can trace our personal story back to the moment of our conception. It was our conception that was the decisive moment before which I did not exist and after which my personal existence had begun. It makes no sense to trace my development back to some arbitrary point four weeks or three months or however long after I had been conceived.

If my mother had an abortion one week after conceiving me then I wouldn't be here. My life would have been quenched out of existence. Sperm and eggs and fetuses are not interchangeable, we know that because of our unique DNA footprints. Many women decide to have an abortion because they don't feel ready to raise a child now. They often have planned pregnancies later. The language of 'choice' and 'family planning' makes it sound like the planned baby I am having now is the same baby that would have been born three years ago had I not had an abortion. But they are not the same baby. I chose that this baby would live. I chose that the first baby would never live. Two babies. Only one allowed to live.

Anyone who truly respects the dignity of each person and believes that each individual has an equal right to exist (and how can equality exist without an equal right to be alive??) must believe that abortion is wrong since it deprives the person whose DNA has already been 'used' and stamped on a particular zygote the right to exist. Even from a secular perspective this is a gross violation of the right to life. Nobody wins PowerBall twice. No two zygotes are alike. And for the Christian person this is especially obvious. Each person is assigned a soul and the soul is not re-used. Human beings have a body. And only one body.

Two of the greatest hypocrisies of the pro-choice movement are the assertions that 1.) those who are aborted are better off never having lived a life that could be full of suffering and that 2.) their mothers are better off without them. And yet from this perspective, one would expect the movement to be led by people who wish they had never been born and cry out that they were denied the right to non-existence. It should be filled with mothers crying out that their children have ruined their lives and that everything would be so much better "if only I'd had an abortion!". This is not the case. Why? First, because we know that even most pro-choice individuals would 'choose' their own existence over non-existence. And second, because we easily recognize the horror of a mother rejecting her own child. The latter is also evidenced by the fact that many women will justify abortion over adoption because "if I'm not going to raise him then I don't want anybody to raise him." However, these two tragic assertions betray our innate understanding of two aspects of the natural law that is written on our hearts.

First, it is clear that we recognize the duty of each person to endure whatever suffering life brings from birth until natural death, because if suicide is truly the mercy some make it out to be then no one would need to fear another person's suffering to the point of procuring abortion just in case. In most cases, the child could simply grow up to the age of reason and then personally decide whether or not to end his/her own life.

Second, when we hear women saying things like "if I'm not going to raise him then I don't want anybody to raise him", this reveals the natural law written on our hearts that says that it's wrong to reject one's child and that every child deserves to be loved and cared for by his/her biological parents.

Perversions of the natural law, while incapable of completely obscuring God's Truth, result in so many women throughout the world who have been scarred by abortion and are haunted by visions of their lost children, knowing by experience that there is no way to destroy one's child and not suffer for it. It is a difficult situation. Anyone who has committed this offense and recognized the horror of it needs emotion and spiritual healing rather than condemnation. But the lies have to stop. Women certainly do deserve better than abortion.

The right to exist and the right (and duty!) to continue to live until a natural death, whether that natural death comes within the womb or five days after being born or at age 96, is a right more fundamental than any other worldly right and must not be compromised even in an attempt to alleviate the worst suffering, be it physical, mental or emotional. Even our rationalizations bear witness to this truth.

A Spiritual Root Canal.

Below are notes from an examination I made following a regional retreat led by Monsignor Esseff for the Lay Missionaries of Charity. This retreat marked the conclusion of a particularly difficult year during which I was prone to negative introspection. On the positive side, I became aware that my fear of displeasing others often paralyzes me, which is no surprise in our politically correct culture where one of the worst evils is to offend someone. This realization initiated an ongoing struggle toward greater assertiveness and freedom from the dreaded guilt complex. I posted an excerpt a while back but it may be worth posting the longer version.

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A Spiritual Root Canal
2014 Lay Missionaries of Charity Regional Retreat, Mount Pocono PA

I feel like there are enemy strongholds (at least one) that oppress me and due to the LMC retreat and some other things that have happened (and possibly due to things that will happen soon), the enemy feels threatened and is trying to make my life miserable. By the grace of God, although I have fallen into misery at times, I have been emotionally steady for the most part.

This stronghold inhibits my spiritual life and manifests typically as fear and resistance to performing good works; sometimes I feel that no matter how badly I want to do a good work no amount of coaxing or threatening myself can get me to do it. In fact, the more effort I put into trying to overcome the resistance the worse I seem to fair. Evil thoughts enter my mind saying things like "I've always failed before so this time will be no different." "Even if God were to give me the words to say I would not say them because I'm such a coward." Obsessive guilt and rationalization always follow.

Many people have offered advice and suggested that I am simply weak-willed. They tell me that in every situation I have a choice as to what I will do and I need to more strongly exert my will to make the right choice. But I feel like my will can never be strong enough to overcome an enemy stronghold.

People tell me that I need stronger faith, greater trust in God, more respect for self and love of my neighbor, greater contrition, etc. etc. All of this is true, and I pray for it. The primary battleground happens to be at my job. This is where I fail the most in performing the good works that I feel called to. This makes me unhappy, which is perhaps reasonable. However, for a while, I felt bitter toward God for not leading me somewhere that I could be more spiritually competent. I have a strong desire to feel 'useful' to God, when I need to be satisfied with His love alone. After the last few years of praying about it, I feel that this job is where God wills me to be right now.

People offer me knowledge and advice. They tell me that I'm unhappy because I'm doing things wrong or because I'm seeing the situation in the wrong way. They remind me that I'm there to save souls and that my mere presence is an important witness. I am bringing Jesus to the people who would never go to him. My suffering is a gift that I can offer for their conversions and that will more closely unite me with our suffering Lord.

I've read Practicing the Presence of God and He Leadeth Me and Abandonment to Divine Providence and feel that I have enough knowledge to prepare me one hundred times over for what needs to happen and where I lack. But somehow my heart doesn't listen or understand. I feel like I should continue to struggle in this way until God provides transformational grace. But I see my pride in everything I have related so far. I see it everywhere. Often I can no longer distinguish between what comes from God and what comes from my pride. Everything seems to be pride. I feel lost and like I can no longer trust my ability to discern God's will.

I long for interior silence to stop the constant reasoning in my mind. I need to listen to the voice of God, but I don't know how. Maybe God will teach me if I would just sit in silence for a while. Probably what I do need is more silent adoration. Eucharistic Adoration is my refuge where I find peace. I think that perhaps God wants me to rest in His peace and grow stronger. I am a doer and something inside makes me feel guilty for resting. I think God wants to cure me of that. Allowing me to rest in Him is a way that God shows me his love. I need to learn to rest in order to experience God's love. Maybe I can let Him do the 'doing' for a while. Maybe listening to His voice is not always like receiving orders. Maybe I can listen to His breathing. Maybe I can listen to the voice of God singing a lullaby. Maybe His voice is simply telling me that He loves me. And I ignore that voice. I don't believe that voice comes from God. Because I expect the voice of God to be giving orders. I am accomplishment driven. I tend to show love through loyalty and effort. Maybe God just wants me to love, like I did at the beginning. I wasn't trying to accomplish anything. I just wanted to know God. I wanted to be His friend. Can I hear the brokenhearted voice of God as it cries: "you have lost the love you had at first." Revelation 2:4

I feel like things are being shifted around in my soul and I'm being purged of some things that are not suppose to be there. This is uncomfortable. Something like growing pains. Not a radical change like when God healed me of social anxiety but small, almost unnoticeable changes which are perhaps even more important because they come from deep within. The social anxiety was superficial. It bound me and kept me from freedom in Christ but I always recognized it as something foreign that was not part of my being. I realized that I needed to be set free. However, deep down there are disorders which are firmly rooted and seem to be a fundamental part of my identity. These need to be rooted out and purified. Our Father in Heaven continues to prune me and remove anything that is not of God but this is never a comfortable process. God is performing another spiritual root canal.

Monsignor Esseff says that I am Jesus. A meditation comes to mind. The baby Jesus has been born in my heart. The angels gather round and sing praises saying "Glory to God in the Highest!" Shepherds come and the wise men bringing gold and frankincense and myrrh. The source of this joyful celebration is within me. I will rein with Jesus. I will worship with Jesus. I will die with Jesus. I am Jesus.

Sarah's jubilee year of FAITH.

starting my YOF just a few years late

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!!

Since my entrance into the Church on Easter Vigil 2011, I have felt called to dedicate some liturgical years to a particular theme--kind of like a personal jubilee year inspired by the Holy Spirit. Since last year was the Jubilee Year of Mercy, it made sense to stick with Mercy, but in the past I've dedicated years to Joy and Love. This year I feel called unmistakably to a year of FAITH. This ties in nicely with my New Year's resolution.

God wants all of us to experience the Fruits of the Holy Spirit, no matter where we are or what the situation. I have said in the past, "No factory worker has zeal for his work." However, that assertion is not only condescending but also untrue. In the spiritual life as well, we can all have zeal and the Fruits of the Spirit no matter what the circumstances, but Woundedness and Sinfulness prevent us from fully receiving this grace. God will move us readily along the path of healing and conversion if we allow it. I must know the promises of God, believe them, and expect to receive what He has promised. No matter what.

I will no longer say, Because You have allowed me to end up in this situation, it is impossible that…

…I can have peace.
…I can have joy.

I will no longer say, So long as I remain in this place, it is impossible that…

…I can have patience.
…I can have joy.
…I can be healed.

I will no longer be the petulant child of God, because nothing is impossible for Him.

I will be assured that God's hands are not tied by my weakness or even my doubts. God's hands are tied by my stubbornness and hardness of heart and my unwillingness to act in faith at all times, even when I don't feel like I believe.

By His grace…

…I will be joyful always.
…I will pray continually.
…I will give thanks in all circumstances.

Faith is as simple as saying, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."